Ah, take a deep breath. You’ve finally completed the most daunting part of the task: having the actual talk. You’ve expressed your needs in the best way you know how, and can give yourself a pat on the back for acknowledging your fears and moving past them.
By now, I hope you’ve seen our previous two posts in this series. The first was to help you organize your thoughts and feelings, and the second was geared to help you both get your point across and be open to your partner’s feedback. Now what?
This post is a little different, and is focused more on reflection and next steps. This post is to help you solidify how you and your partner can support each other after heavy conversations, setting the stage for future difficult conversations, and how to manage the conversation if it does not go as desired.
Support each other
Sometimes, after big talks, there is exhaustion. There is confusion. And the conversation may not have gone the way you expected it to go. Recovering from all this emotion can be really draining, and the best way to do it is together.
Post conversation is a great way for both you and your partner to ground yourself in your emotional responses, and to show appreciation that you both took the time to work on moving towards your goals. Show your partner some love! Express gratitude for where you are in your lives, and where you are excited to go in the future. Acknowledge all the awesome things your partner did during your conversation that made you feel loved and supported during your most vulnerable moments.
If the conversation did not go as planned, acknowledge that this is likely the case for both of you. No matter where you wind up in the future, you are existing in your emotions in the present moment, together. Sabina Nawaz explores how to effectively come back from difficult workplace conversations in her article, and provides some grounded ideas that can be really helpful for resolution with anyone who is human!
Setting the stage for future difficult conversations
Ask each other for feedback! Explore what was most helpful, as well as what was least helpful. What made you feel exceptionally safe? Exceptionally anxious? Noticing the patterns that both help and hurt you will help alleviate anxiety in the future about how to handle these talks, and will help prepare you for them in the future. If you are two people who typically avoid conflict, fret not. Check out this article to make it a bit more manageable.
If you are comfortable, let your partner know about the steps you took to prepare yourself for the conversation. This will help your partner know how important this conversation was to you, and how your partner can prepare for these types of tough talks in the future. Exploring the way you prepared with your partner can also help them feel connected to your thought process, and can help generate empathy for the way you expressed yourself.
Figuring out what to do if things do not go as desired
When I think about things “not going as desired,” I am really thinking about conversations that do not have momentum or progress towards an outcome or goal. This when the conversation ends angrily, when the conversation feels cyclic, or when no decisions have been made. You’re stuck, and you don’t know where to go next.
The first step would be naming the fact that you are stuck, so both you and your partner can acknowledge this (see a further explanation of this here). Naming the feeling of “stuckness” allows space to take a deep breath and relieve yourself of the individual pressure of momentum. You and your partner remain in this discomfort together.
The next step is really to just take a break. In the second blog of this series, we briefly focused on ways to regain control and momentum when things begin to feel overwhelming or stressful. This still applies, even post conversation! Practice grounding yourself with stretching, distraction, and other ways that will remove your mind from the habit of rumination. Don’t forget to let your partner know that you need a break, and make sure there is a clear game plan in place for how to return to the conversation.
*Remember-- you or your partner might need to self soothe a whole handful of times before you’re able to complete the conversation. This is totally fine! It is so much better to take some time to self soothe than to fall into a spiral of yelling and/or crying.
You did it!
Give both yourself and your partner some credit, no matter how this went! Coexisting with a partner you love can feel like work that requires a ton of love and attention. You are two people coming together with your own mini-cultures, baggage, and neuroses. These are all the beautiful things that make you human, but they are also sometimes the cause of some tension.
I really say all this to highlight that it is not a horrible and detrimental omen for your relationship if your heavy conversation does not go well. It is wholly and entirely normal, and takes a ton of practice to master. Stay intentional, open and empathetic, and remember that the goal of the conversation is to just move forward. Don’t put too much pressure on you as the individual on these small moments-- you are in this together.
If you two are truly feeling stuck and are finding it impossible to move forward, reach out to a therapist. This is exactly what we are trained in! Having difficult conversations to create productivity and growth, within a context of warmth and support.
Mollie Eliasof, LCSW