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Five Small Indicators You Should Consider Couples Therapy
How do you make the decision to go to couples counseling? I mean realistically, how do you get to the point in your relationship, with enough honesty, intention and awareness, to suggest that healing may be out of your own control? The courage this takes has always astounded me, and has led me to immense respect for every couple that walks in my door. The swell of respect and empathy for the distress in my couples has led me to wondering if there is a way to intervene earlier. How can I help get couples to come to therapy more confidently and more quickly than the nationwide average of six years post problem onset (Gottman Institute)? I hear a lot of couples tell me they waited because they thought it would get better, or they thought this is just how relationships progress. I have heard others say they just felt that if they ignored the problem it would go away, or, on the contrary, that if they talked/yelled about it endlessly it would start to feel less bad. Finally, and the most heartbreaking one for me, is that if they admit they need couples counseling then that must mean they are on the path to divorce or separation. I hope this article can help add to the movement of breaking the stigma of couples counseling, and can help you and your partner understand how to assess the very first signs of a problem. Couples counseling does not have to mean divorce, especially when these small signs are addressed sooner rather than later (after all, timing is everything). You’ve found that time spent having fun together is infrequent After nearly 40 years of research, Drs. John and Julie Gottman (founders of The Gottman Method) found that the first thing to go in a marriage breakdown is friendship (Gottman research overview). This is critical information- losing friendship creates emotional disengagement and a deficit in connection, which can make arguments more frequent and more biting. So, nip it in the bud! When you’re feeling a little lonelier than you have in the past, or like your routine is all “work, kids, sleep, repeat,” check in and assess when the last time you had fun with your partner was. This does not have to be an extravagant date night, but can even just be hanging out and laughing on the couch after the kids have gone to sleep. It is so easy to talk yourself out of this for the sake of a few extra minutes of sleep or work, but remember: your relationship is one of your biggest investments: of time, energy and emotion. Try to make it a priority, and be aware when it is not. There have been, or will be, big changes This does not necessarily mean you need to be having blow out arguments about these changes. Sometimes partners will come to a decision together, only to have one partner feel resentful in the long run. Couples counseling will ensure that you both are on the same page about the decisions you make, and will help you address and process potential blind spots, miscommunications, or confusions. Your arguments are repetitive and/or cyclic This one can be a little misleading. “Perpetual issues” are actually a part of a healthy relationship, and take up about 69% of the attention devoted to arguing within a relationship (see Gottman research overview for a better understanding of “perpetual issues”). When I refer to the cycle of arguments as an indicator for considering couples therapy, I am thinking of the ones that are destructive and hurtful. These types of arguments are not only making no progress but also are ending in a way that feels wounding. These arguments are not always about the same exact thing, but they can take on the same patterns or have the same theme. To assess for this, try to take note of the feelings coming up during your arguments. Do you feel consistently undervalued or deprioritized? Or unheard? Take a step back from the content of the argument and try to be aware of the feeling behind it. Things at work are a little extra stressful And there is no end in sight. If either you or your partner are coming home a little more irritable and anxious than usual, or are having trouble sleeping due to overworking and/or increased work stress, the relationship can get a bit tricky. This is especially apparent when both partners are struggling with increased work stress. When you come home from a stressful day, the last thing you typically want to hear is about your partner’s stress. For some couples this can become a subtle competition of “who is more stressed”? When this competition takes over, it is hard for either of you to feel empathized with when one partner’s pain must not be as bad as the other’s. Couples therapy can help build some stress management techniques, and some ways to step out of your own thought process and into your partners for just a moment. Here are some ideas on how couples can cope with professional stress. Something just feels “off” Trust. Your. Gut. A psychoanalytic interpretation of a “gut feeling” is that it is a visceral or body memory popping up from something that has happened in the past (Dr. Puder and his guests explain the impact of the unconscious on “gut feelings” further in this episode of his podcast). This means that if something feels funky in your relationship, it might not be an indicator of the relationship as a whole, but it is triggering something uncomfortable for you and deserves to be addressed. Attending therapy can help you put words to your feelings for both you and your partner in a neutral and non-blaming way. All in all… You may be thinking, “These issues seem relatively small, and feel like they might just go away. Why go to therapy?” Yes, you definitely may be right. They really could just get better on their own. But the point I want to emphasize is that you do not have to wait until something catastrophic happens to go to couples therapy, and it is actually exponentially more effective if you do not wait. So, if you see some small signs and feel a few booster sessions might be helpful, why not? Your partner is your world, and someone you (may) hope to spend forever with. You and your partner are deserving of making sure your relationship is a deep, strong, and happy as it can be- for mental, physical, and emotional health reasons. Alyssa Ashenfarb, LCSW