Earlier in the year, we published a blog post on what to expect from couples therapy. At the bottom of this post, we had a brief section called “What couples therapy is not.” Since this time, we have gotten some feedback expressing curiosity regarding what exactly couples therapy is supposed to look like, and what it is definitely not supposed to look like.  While I could probably spend days exploring this subject, I will stick to the basics and give you a general idea of what couples therapy is not supposed to look like, and the types of situations that may not be appropriate for couples therapy.  1. Couples therapists will not take sides This is the point I ended with in my previous post about what couples therapy is, and one I think is super important to help everyone understand. Couples therapists will not take sides, and will never assign blame or shame. You and your partner both deserve to be heard. As this article beautifully phrases it, “You are not the client, the couple is the client.”  A couples therapist’s job is really to look at how both parts of the couple create one unit. This means paying attention to patterns that cause those frustrating and repetitive cycles that make both you and your partner feel they’re never ending. Emotionally focused couples therapists will help you both explore how they begin, and where the misunderstandings/trigger points are happening. A couples therapist will not shame or blame you, but instead will help you explore ways in which both you and your partner can feel seen and heard.   2. Couples therapists will not be punitive In a similar vein, couples therapists are not working to penalize couples when they make a mistake or when they do not follow through with an action. Instead, couples therapists will provide a warm and nurturing environment to help you. A couples therapist is there to provide encouragement, identify strengths, and to support you and your partner when you are feeling hopeless about what steps to take next.  When next steps are difficult, a couples therapist will help you problem solve problems by identifying barriers and deeper preventatives to reaching your goals. This article explains how a couples therapist is really there to help you explore what you’ve been doing that is helpful for your relationship, and what you can add to make it even better!   3. Couples therapy is not a solution While a couples therapist can help you solve some logistical problems-- such as making a schedule for laundry-- they cannot heal all wounds (though we’d love to). Ideally, a couples therapist will help you identify and explore patterns that have developed within your relationship. They will use evidenced based practice to help you and your partner understand how you got to where you are, and how to shift the dynamic. Patterns may have developed due to the way you two interact, but also likely as a result of your overall understanding of relationships learned earlier in life. Your couples therapist will help you understand how you and your partner can break the cycle of feeling misunderstood through connection and empathy.   4. Couples therapy is not easy Typically, couples therapy is not a “one and done” resource, and is not a quick fix. This being said, couples therapy can help provide you with the tools to take the baby steps towards increasing overall relationship satisfaction. It will help you think critically about your relationship and the patterns you and your partner both engage in. It will also allow you to understand how these have developed and what you can do about them. This takes time, and requires a deep emotional dive. As this article says, “to preserve your marriage, you must prioritize it.”  Don’t forget to keep your couples therapist in the loop about how you two are feeling about the process. You and your partner will feel comfortably uncomfortable during session- this is the sweet spot!  5. Couples therapy is not a place to go to “convince” your partner of anything  In order for couples therapy to be successful, both partners must be invested (though level of investment may vary, and this is totally normal). It is not suggested that you and your partner attend couples therapy if one of you is trying to convince the other of anything; including staying together, that one partner is at fault, or that the other partner’s parents are to blame for couples issues, etc. A couples therapist (and any therapist, for that matter) will not try to convince you in one direction or the other. They will work to help you see all your feelings, behaviors, options and choices clearly so you can make the best informed decision for your relationship.  While all therapists are different and often use different methods and approaches, the above five explanations of what a couples therapist does not do are what I have gathered from communication with trusted colleagues. If you have further questions about what a couples therapist does, or how to understand the process as a whole, give one a call! We are here to help support you in understanding which decision about therapy is best for you, whether you are a client or not. ​Alyssa Ashenfarb, LCSW

As the weather gets nicer, people have been venturing out of their apartments and reentering the real world. You’re seeing the country reopen, and your friends and family are beginning to do the same. While quarantine has felt simultaneously exhausting and boring, you’re surprised the first feeling you’re having at reopening up is not relief. Instead, you feel a rumble of anxiety in your belly. How are we, as a culture, supposed to just “go back to normal?” And what is the new normal? ...And what if quarantine has felt restorative for me?  Everything you’re feeling is okayI think it is super important to start with this one. Even though you were excited for quarantine to be over, it is 1000% okay to be nervous for what is to come. Maybe seeing your friends for the first time is unsettling, or going to see your family feels a little funky still. You could be worried about contracting coronavirus, worried about your career and finances, or worried about re-engaging with others in person. Whatever it is, it’s a normal response to an abnormal situation.  Just like acclimating to the slower life of quarantine was tricky, reacclimating to post quarantine life may be tricky too, but for different reasons. Ramping your working and socializing odometers back up to full force may feel not only anxiety provoking, but scary.  Notice these feelings, and allow yourself to have them. In-person situations might feel more exhausting than usual, because your body is not used to the consistent in-person interactions. Humans are typically more sensitive to other people’s energies than they realize, so interacting with others can be surprisingly draining. Do your best to be aware of what is happening in your body, and take a break when you need it/when you are able to. Slow down and focus on the day to dayThis is so difficult for someone who is always buzzing and getting things done. You’ve planned your career and you’ve succeeded, so why can’t you plan your future too? As someone who likes to pretend I can predict the future, I am well acquainted with the fear that comes with not knowing what is next. This is a gentle reminder that you cannot predict the future, and you do not need to in order to cope with the present.  The thing about predicting the future is that most predictions are mistakes. All a human can do is base the future off of what they know about the past and present, but there will always be curveballs. For this reason (plus others), it is much more productive to focus on how you will manage the day by day. For example, what does your schedule look like tomorrow? What is for dinner tonight?  As hard as it is to connect with this thought in the moment, no amount of worrying will prepare you for what is coming next. Things will happen that are unexpected (*cough* coronavirus *cough*), so try to settle your mind on the next days or weeks in order to feel as in control of your next steps as you’re able to. Baby stepsIt is SO exciting to get to see your friends and family again, but remember, baby steps! I know you want to jump back in, but hear me out… The world is reopening in waves for a reason. Try to notice what is coming up for you as you reenter the world. A million feelings can happen all at once- excitement about seeing your loved ones, fear for catching the coronavirus, or grief over the loss of the past few months and what is to come. For this reason, it is especially important to stay slow and steady, and to notice the conflicting parts of you. How many times have you been invited somewhere, and both did not want to go, but also wanted to go at the same time? This is completely normal, but is important to pay attention to after being semi isolated for 2-3 months. Forgetting to tune into the moment can lead you to ignore your body signals telling you to reel it back, which can lead to anxiety and other types of discomfort.  Am I bad if I don’t want quarantine to end? Any of my clients will tell you how rarely I provide direct answers during session, but I can give you a resounding “No!” for this one. Quarantine has allowed humans to slow down and notice the small joyful moments happening that they were not able to take note of when life was moving at such a fast pace.  This is beautiful information! And you can absolutely use this awareness to bring it to your day to day outside of quarantine. For example, if you learned that having some more time in the morning to enjoy your coffee is something that makes your whole day better, leave time for it upon return to “normal.” There are tons of benefits of working from home/lockdown. Notice them and see if you can get creative about them as the world reopens.  All in all…Your emotions are a normal response to an abnormal situation. Instead of avoiding them or self shaming, embrace them and use them as information. If you are feeling anxious, or are dreading returning back to work, then something about the security of a lockdown probably felt safe and comforting. How can you bring this into your daily experience?  Finally, take small steps. You are so driven to make up for lost time, but the only way to actually optimize your time is by paying attention to your mental health. Doing so will make you more efficient and productive. If you are really struggling with adapting to post quarantine life, give us a call! We are here to help you readjust.  ​Alyssa Ashenfarb, LCSW