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Working from home, home schooling, and marriage- oh my!
Master of all...usually, but lately, nobody is feeling on top of their game, in their home, as homeschooling support, or as partners. The idea of spending all of your time cooped up in your home with your kids and your partner is simultaneously making you want to cringe and jump for joy. Your patience is running thin, and you’re wondering how you’re going to make your relationship feel special when everything is driving you a little nuts. Good news is that there are small things that you and your partner can do to keep the love alive and revived, as things feel like they are boiling over. Here are some tips on exactly how to keep connected even with tension: 1. Start with an Appreciation Party If you’ve ever seen a therapist, you’ve probably been told to try to practice gratitude. Research has shown that expressing gratitude, especially to people you love, makes you feel good, strengthens your relationship, and leaves your partner feeling happy, too (see this article to learn about some of the effects gratitude can have on you). Use this awareness to your benefit! Be sure to remind your partner how much they mean to you, and all the things they typically do (both prior pandemic and during the pandemic) that you are so appreciative of. 2. Set ground rules- Solidify the “You’ve gone too far” line It is really easy to feel irritable, anxious and sad during times of chaos and confusion. Soon enough all the distractions add up and your bickering is escalating much more quickly than it has in the past. Now, you’re both on edge and communication is not the first thing that comes to mind. Instead, the cold shoulder or yelling ensues. Let's avoid this and make it simpler. At the start of your week (or day), sit down and review the lines that cannot be crossed with your partner. Maybe you or your partner were laid off or furloughed, and while you normally would love to dive into how to fix this, you agree that there is not much to be done right now. Instead, you would prefer a distraction over rumination. Quick bonus tip: before you sit down for this discussion, have a pre-planning meeting with yourself. Decide what lines are absolutely not okay to cross between you two and/or in front of the kids. Knowing your own boundaries and how to express them is a skill that can not only increase relationship satisfaction, but can also impact your overall quality of life. 3. Find your huddle Remember when sports were a thing? Huddles during football are an essential moment that allows the team to connect and communicate about the strategy they need to be most successful. Believe it or not, even non-NFL stars need this check in too! Being able to communicate with your partner about your stress levels and how you need each other’s encouragement can be a game changer. Have a plan for how to subtly have periodic two-minute moments (I'm always a big fan of a small hand signal), and use the time to express gratitude, vent, reconnect and support each other. You'll be an MVP in no time! Quick bonus tip: Check in on both you and your partner’s love language to better attune to each other’s needs in the moment. 4. Decompression success party More gratitude, please! Starting and ending your day or week with your own decompression party can help the two of you unify your team mentality, and can allow you to have a little release moment. After all, helping each other cope with stress can strengthen your relationship as a whole. After you've gone through another tough week, spend some moments with your partner doing what the two of you love. Carve out at least 30 minutes to an hour reconnecting and rejuvenating together. That could look like a small walk together outside, finding a funny show or play list to dance and laugh to, and/or enjoying laughter and connection with some privacy. In conclusion… Gratitude, boundaries, moments of joy and connection, and more gratitude. And here’s a quick secret: This is essentially what therapists will teach during their sessions. Show your partner how much they mean to you and relish in their company. In turn, the trickier and less comfortable parts of a relationship should get at least a bit easier. This may sound simple, but sometimes couples need a little extra push. If this is the case, reach out to a couples therapist! We are here to help, and the vast majority of us are providing virtual therapy during the quarantine. Mollie Eliasof, LCSW