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I want to know more about those relationship tips…
Earlier this month, we explored five tips to use right now in order to improve your relationship. We loved this post, and we’ve gotten feedback that you guys did too! That being said, we’ve also gotten some feedback that you want MORE. Loving the enthusiasm! We want you to be able to be the expert on these tips and how they work for you, so we’ve taken the time to dive into two tips we mentioned in our previous post: teammates first, and turning towards. Teammates firstWhen I think of the word “teammate,” my brain goes in a few different directions-- first and foremost being a person whose intentions you keep in mind when you make decisions. This is so crucial to understanding how exactly you can make your relationship grow and thrive. You and your partner are individual people with your own inner worlds, and it is worth recognizing not only this but also the “couple” as a third party. Let’s face it, you and your partner have very different wants and needs. I am here to remind you that this is not only okay, but actually normal. These needs exist separately because no matter how intertwined your lives are, you are still individuals. Tons of couples experience discrepancies in how they live their daily lives-- sometimes one partner feels they are living life to their fullest, while they feel the other partner is moving too slowly. Both parties feel this makes it hard to be teammates, because they are constantly on different pages about what they want. Keep in mind that part of the reason we choose people moving at a different rhythm than us is because it creates balance. You do not have to move at the same pace at your partner, and you do not always have to agree. You just need to be able to work and love in tandem, and come together for support after your needs are met separately. In other words, the need of the couple as a whole is not always similar to either need of the individuals. Let’s focus on a simple example that came up so often in quarantine. One partner relaxes by going for runs, and another partner relaxes by watching television. Both partners want to relax together. What to do? Focus on the couple! Relax as individuals, and then find a way to relax as a couple that does not involve watching television or going for a run. Some may look at this as a compromise, however, I think it is more helpful to view this as a way to reorient yourselves towards what the couple as a whole needs. When you feel nurtured as a team, you’re more likely to feel energized enough to support each other as individuals. It will allow you the head space to remain emotionally attuned and empathetic to one another, and will help you both feel valued and important to one another. Turn towards rather than awayThis is our other chosen favorite. As mentioned in our previous post, world renowned therapists Drs. John and Julie Gottman discovered a concept common in happy couples- turning towards rather than away. All this means is that you are responding to your partner’s subtle hints at desire for connection with (figurative and literal) open arms and affection. Turning away from your partner is ignoring, dismissing, or shutting down attempts at connection. This is trickier than it sounds- bids for connection typically pop up in the smallest moments throughout the day. If your partner is verbally noticing the sunset, and you are super engulfed in an article you are reading and missed what your partner said, you are rejecting a bid for connection. Yes- attempts can be this small! I know it is difficult to respond to everything, but fear not-- the Gottmans found that partners who are the happiest responded to each other's bids for connection around 86% of the time. This leaves some healthy room for mistakes. To turn towards your partner’s bids for connection (that is, any attempt from one partner for affirmation or positive connection from the other), pay attention to the underlying meaning behind the words. Chances are that your partner is not marveling in the sunset’s beauty for their own benefit. Your partner is describing the sunset because they want to share this moment with you, because they love you. And anyway, enjoying a moment with your partner is much more likely to make you feel loved than anything on your phone! Another great way to understand your partner’s bids is to pay attention to when you are making your own. Notice the things you say and what you are looking for from your partner. And of course, talk about this concept with your partner! After all, knowledge is power, right? How can I apply this to my life?Talk about it with your partner! Bring these concepts to their attention so they can be aware of how hard you’re working, and hopefully will feel full and nurtured enough to respond back. If you feel these and the other tips are outside of the realm of possibility, our suggestion is to invest in couples therapy right here in Manhattan. There are alternatives and ways to explore what is going on for you and your partner outside of just behavior change. Mollie Eliasof, LCSW