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How to Use a Couples Workshop as a Resource
When I tell people I am a couples therapist, they look at me wide eyed and in shock, and typically exclaim something along the lines of, “But… why?” This does not surprise me. Honestly, before I started doing couples therapy I had a similar response. There is so much complexity going on in each individual that I thought couples therapy sounded like absolute chaos. Therefore, it is not astonishing how scary the idea of couples therapy can be to people who really need it to help their relationship. So, here is my suggestion: start with a couples workshop! This can be a beautiful and engaging tool to help you build your understanding of what couples therapy actually is, what it can help you achieve, and whether it is the right move for you. A couples workshop will help you get your feet wet rather than diving in headfirst, and will allow you the space to process whether you and your partner just want the workshop as a booster, or if you need the space to process your relationship more deeply. So, lets dive into why a couples workshop can either be a first step or an endgame in helping to deepen and strengthen your relationship. A workshop can help you understand whether your problems are within the realm “healthy relationship problems.” I think this is just about the scariest sentiment you and your partner can sit with, which is, in this case, indicative of its importance. You never know what is going on in other people’s relationships, especially given the exaggeration of happiness that so often occurs on social media, in movies and shows, and in casual conversation. This can make it near impossible to tell whether your relationship is healthy or not. Acknowledging the question “is there something wrong here?” is acknowledging that there is a little signal inside of you that is telling you something is off. This in itself can create anxiety! So, lets slow it down. A good way to begin to assess your relationship is by asking yourself some of these questions. Allowing yourself space for honesty will show both you and your partner that you are being authentic in your work towards improving your relationship. This first step of awareness is a feat in itself; bee-lining to therapy sounds so intimidating that can feel unrealistic! You may have just come to terms with the fact that your marriage is not ideal, so to dive right in may just feel too overwhelming. Enter: a couples workshop. A workshop can be a space for you and your partner to honor the fact that you profoundly care for each other and want to make things work, even if you are not yet ready for couples therapy. A workshop will provide you and your partner with a concrete idea of what is on the spectrum of“healthy” in a relationship and what may not be. You’ll be in a space with other people who want to understand their partnership better (though you definitely do not have to talk to them or about yourselves), and you’ll hear your facilitator normalize a whole slue of problems. You’ll also learn about which issues require more steps to be addressed, and which problems are potentially not as colossal as you thought. For example, you may learn that arguing is not an indicator of an unhealthy relationship. This article begins to explain the difference between“healthy” and “unhealthy” arguing, and is just one of the common misconceptions you will learn to deconstruct in a couples workshop. A workshop can help you begin to take responsibility for individual “oops”without blame. A fear that I often hear from my clients is that they are scared the couples therapist will take sides. I should probably start by informing you that this is absolutely not the job of a couples therapist. This blog post explores the importance of looking at the couple as a system that interacts, rather than blaming an individual.That being said, I know it is hard to feel connected with this thought and the only way to know it for sure is to actually attend therapy. Of course, this becomes cyclic: “I’m scared my couples therapist will take sides,”“They won’t! That is not their job.”“They might.”“Try it out! You won’t know until you try.”“Can’t. I’m too nervous.” And around and around we go. Instead, one way to shift the fear of blame is to learn about what you can take responsibility for. In couples therapy, this can be immensely difficult, especially considering real life examples are used. A workshop is wonderful because your own life isn’t being used as the example. So, if you hear that criticism leads to divorce, you, your partner, and your therapist do not need to immediately unpack this. Instead you can become aware of your own behaviors, and start to work on it yourself without feeling blamed. A couples workshop is a great tool to help educate you and your partner on which behaviors you are displaying that are predictors of separation or divorce. You can both try to focus on shifting your own individual behaviors as you learn about them. After all, you don’t know what you don’t know! If you are not aware that criticism is a predictor of divorce, and your partner continues to frustrate you and not respond to your attempts at change, it is much harder to stop. A workshop helps initiate and fast track the path to success. A workshop is a fantastic tool for introducing some concrete information to couples that want to improve their relationship. It will provide you and your partner with the education you need and deserve on what patterns can be destructive in relationships, which patterns are most helpful, and how to understand your own responses in a practical and non self blaming way. A workshop will also help you gain the confidence in practicing the skills prior to entering couples therapy. This might be all you need! Sometimes, just understanding which patterns are harmful and gaining the tools to counteract the mare extremely helpful, and leave partners feeling fulfilled and connected. Other times, partners attend a workshop and can use the skills, but feel they would benefit from further exploration into their own relationship. Either way, a couples workshop is a reliable instrument to help you determine what you and your partner need to thrive now and in your future. Should we go? You and your partner are the experts in your relationship. Trust yourself and your gut when determining what is best for you. Maybe you know the end goal is couples therapy, but you two just do not have the emotional or logistical openness quite yet. Or maybe you truly believe you just need some skill building and information on how to navigate conflict. Or, maybe you want to seek individual therapy/an individual workshop prior to venturing into vulnerability with your partner. We trust that you are attuned to your own process, and will do what is best for you and your relationship. Alyssa Ashenfarb, LCSW